Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
