Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
