I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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