I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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