if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
