When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize