i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
