Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i barfeds in our rink
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
