He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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