Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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