One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
