I think I am morally bankrupt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
