Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
