Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
