the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
