we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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