Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
