I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
