she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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