Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
