She is in my trunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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