exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
