Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
