I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
