I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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