I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
