I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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