saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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