Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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