So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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