So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
as a side note pls kill me
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