My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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