I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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