So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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