Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize