I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
