Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
