I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
