he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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