??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
