in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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