we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
