It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
