i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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