So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize