remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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