Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
