Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
