dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
