we have officially lost it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
