I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
