TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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