I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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