guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
