I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
