I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
