You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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